The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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