How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
