Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
