I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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