I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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