The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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