I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
