obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
