Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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