someone get that fucking seahorse.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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