I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
