where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
