Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
