I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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