apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
