omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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