The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize