Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
