my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
