this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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