i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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