I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
