New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
