I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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