a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
