I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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