My liver just broke up with me...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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