that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize