Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
