I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
