i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
