I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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