It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ladies don't puke and tell
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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