that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
