I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
