SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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