so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
