the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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