Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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