he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
