I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize