she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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