I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
