I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
