hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
