i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
