I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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