I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
