if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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