i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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