I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
