and you said cock pushups were impossible
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
