I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My life is pants optional.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
