I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I believe in your delicious
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
