I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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