I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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