i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
