Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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