Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
